I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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