you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
