I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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