mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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