i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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