So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
