if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
