frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
