bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
