uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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