i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Randomize
