I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
