Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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