I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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