Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
