the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
