All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I am available for nakedness
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
