I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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