I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I love you. Go after that dick
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
