i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
