I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
