Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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