just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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