3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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