Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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