The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
