i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
