but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
