so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
