You smell like a Billy Joel song
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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