my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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