Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
