Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
you guys were way drunker than both of me
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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