My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
