I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
soo... how was my night?
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