Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
