I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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