Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
