mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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