i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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