I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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