You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
