Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
