When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Randomize
