not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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