So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
