So drunk its hurt
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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