i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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