U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
