Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
