I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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